Normally, I stay away from writing about my personal life - frankly, I assume nobody cares. But having been informed by Barbara Kay in these pages that my lifestyle is one formerly the domain of "beatniks and other social scofflaws"; that next to others my forthcoming marriage is likely to suffer from "lower expectations of sexual fidelity" (among other problems); and that many of my friends are hopeless losers, the females in particular plagued by "anxiety, lowered self-esteem, dismay at the dwindling stock of desirable marriage-minded men" - well, you'll have to indulge me.
The pretext for Ms. Kay's blistering attack on the miserable misfits who've yet to wed was a recent study by York University professor Anne-Marie Ambert, which purports to show that couples who co-habit instead of or before marriage have relationships likelier to end in break-up or divorce. The study is not particularly persuasive: A selective compilation of secondary research apparently penned by someone with a predetermined conclusion, its original content consists largely of calls for more research and statements of the glaringly obvious.
"Quick transitions from a first or second date to cohabitation probably result in relationship instability," Ambert offers at one point. "If the ex-partners then go on to repeat this pattern of instant and serial relationships, they may one day contract an equally quick marriage to which it will be difficult to remain faithful, thus increasing the odds of divorcing."
Really? You mean it's not a good idea to bring a suitcase full of your belongings out to that first dinner in case you never want to go home again -- and that the sort of person flighty enough to do so might also be prone to entering unstable marriages? Who'd have thunk it?
But then, considering Ms. Kay pronounced singlehood to be a form of "failure" in another recent column, it's safe to say that Ambert was preaching to the converted. By all appearances, my fellow columnist is mostly interested in arguing we can all find fulfillment if we're smart enough to follow her model for marital bliss.
There is, to be clear, nothing wrong with that model. Getting married after a few months of dating has evidently resulted in a long and happy relationship for Ms. Kay. But to pronounce that the only "practical alternative" to this approach is "serial loveless hook-ups, open-ended cohabitation, late marriage often based more on age-related anxiety than love" is simply wrong.
Implicit is the notion that men must somehow be roped into marriage - or, as she puts it, that they won't be interested in "buying the cow" if they can have the milk for free. As offensive as that turn of phrase may be to many women, the concept should be all the more off-putting to men. Apparently, we're not after fulfilling long-term relationships - only sex without commitment and possibly a place to crash.
Perhaps that does apply to some men, and women too. If so, that's their prerogative - if they're not interested in pledging the rest of their lives to one person and are able to find like-minded commitment-phobes, it falls to neither myself nor Ms. Kay to hector them into becoming reluctant spouses. But assuming that all of us are in that category is narrow-minded.
Not only are Jen and I co-habiting prior to our wedding date; we've been doing so for years. It's partly been a matter of practicality -- weddings are expensive, and it just didn't seem right to take that plunge until both our careers were stable. But it's also because we take marriage seriously enough to ensure we're both fully ready for it before going to the altar -- in no small part because I've seen enough marriages go sour to want to ensure that we get ours right.
Our first couple of months under the same roof weren't easy. Little things - the fact that we're both terrible morning people, for instance -- were the source of tensions that could have gotten our marriage off to a bad start. But because we worked through those and other challenges on our own timetable, we now know that our relationship is built to last.
I'm not saying it's the only way to do things. But as with those 30-something women she belittles for having failed to find the right man, Ms. Kay's scorn is misdirected. Most of us just want to find the same happiness she and her husband have. Why knock us for going about it in different ways?
