When the National Post discovered a Toronto Argonauts fan moonlighting as an editorial writer - one that was trying to find a way to fill his time between the Argos' upset of Montreal in the East final last Sunday and the Grey Cup game last night - we asked him to chronicle his journey to Ottawa or, more appropriately, his journey through the Ottawa nightlife during Grey Cup Week. What follows is his guide to the Grey Cup festivities (or 12 Lessons Learned By An Argos Fan).

ONE Even Tiger-Cats fans cannot find it in themselves to cheer against Pinball. Hamiltonians love to hate the Argos even more than most other CFL fans, but catch them in an unguarded moment and they will confess that some of the fun has gone out of it since Mike Clemons took over as the Toronto head coach. A few will even admit that, deep down, they wouldn't mind seeing Pinball take home the Grey Cup.

TWO Atlantic Canadians really, really want a CFL team. While fans of existing teams are expected to make their presence known during Grey Cup Week, you have to respect fans of non-existing teams who pull out all the stops. In hope of landing a franchise in Halifax or Moncton, fans of the "Atlantic Schooners" threw a bash all week beside Ottawa City Hall, complete with seafood, Alexander Keith's, and live acts from the East Coast. The business plan they were handing out may have been slightly flawed, but the availability of lobster after a weekend of pizza and hot dogs was enough to convince me of the merits of expansion.

THREE Not all pep bands are created equal. To their eternal credit, the Argonotes - a collection of middle-aged Torontonians with trumpets, trombones, flutes and drums - know their limitations and mostly stick to a few classic rock songs. Sadly, the same cannot be said for the ubiquitous Saskatchewan Roughriders Pep Band, which turned up at each of this weekend's parties determined to play a "fight song" for every CFL team. Problem is, they don't actually know each team's fight song, so instead we got the marching songs for various U.S. colleges, with generic lyrics ("We are the Alouettes, and we're here to fight") substituted for the real ones. The first time is mildly endearing. By the tenth time, it's your cue to flee to the next party.

FOUR Mascots can talk. At the Spirit of Edmonton Room, I wound up cornered with Stripes - the Ticats mascot formerly known as T.C. - as the entire Roughriders cheerleading squad made its way past us. I said "Hello," he said "Hello," and we didn't really know where to take the conversation from there. The next day, I tried to goad the Argo Bounce into chatting, but he refused to take the bait. When I let him know that Stripes talks, he offered only a curt nod. Good to know some of our mascots still take their vows of silence seriously.

FIVE You can take Keith Pelley out of Toronto, but you can't take Toronto out of Keith Pelley. The affable Argos president turned up on Saturday at the Ticats Lair - a sea of black and gold jerseys, sweatshirts and face paint - in a tailored suit that may have cost more than the entire Argos payroll. Full credit to Pelley for braving such hostile turf - and for reinforcing more than a few Hogtown stereotypes.

SIX Don't talk politics with Stampeders fans. One minute, you're talking about Matt Dunigan; the next, you're hearing about why Alberta needs to separate from Canada, and slowly backing away toward the beer line.

SEVEN Fans of the Baltimore Stallions are still coming to the Grey Cup - and they have their priorities straight. As they have every year since the CFL's ill-fated U.S. expansion came to an end, 10 Baltimorians made the trek this year to enjoy the Grey Cup festivities. Who do they cheer for now that the Stallions are no longer with us? "Beer." And who were they cheering for yesterday? "Beer."

EIGHT Even cheerleaders have their limits. Sure, they may seem perky 24 hours a day, but after spending three days dancing in front of fat, hairy guys with green body paint, they start to lose their enthusiasm. On Saturday night at the Spirit of Edmonton Room, a dance team member did not take the news well that it was showtime again. "We've gotta go back on the f---in' stage?" she snapped. "We've already been on the f---in' stage all day."

NINE The Talbots are everywhere. Some players bring their wives or girlfriends to the big game; Argo receiver Andre Talbot apparently brought his entire extended family, who moved in a pack from one event to another and told anyone who would listen how proud they were of him. By the end of the weekend, they seemed to have somehow multiplied.

TEN There is a fine line between charming and awkward. It's always fun to chat with the faithful from across the country. But someone needs to figure out a way to gracefully end these conversations once they have started. Thankfully, the number of beers consumed means that the same conversation can often be had over and over without either side noticing.

ELEVEN The downside of having the Grey Cup in Ottawa is that the politicians are bound to turn up sooner or later. On Saturday night, Conservative MPs were spotted amid the revellers. The good news was that one of them was Rahim Jaffer, the hardest partying parliamentarian in Canada. Equally good news: with Paul Martin in Chile, we were spared the prime ministerial entourage.

TWELVE If you do Grey Cup Week properly, writing about Grey Cup Week is a lot harder than you would think. Your head is pounding, your stomach hurts, and looking at the computer screen makes you slightly nauseous. That must be why the real sportswriters had a completely dry weekend. And if you believe that, I have some Roughriders home playoff tickets to sell you.