Drowned out by a city's collective sigh of relief that the horrors of the Ottawa Renegades' "Mardi Gras" promotion will no longer be upon it, a more bizarre bit of puritanism surrounding the CFL team has passed mostly unnoticed.

That staid Ottawa would be offended by a contest that encouraged female fans to flash skin in return for beads was to be expected. But the fit of pique by local officials over tailgating parties outside the stadium, complete with threats of a full-scale police crackdown, seems unduly Draconian even by the capital's standards.

South of the border, and in various corners of this country, the beer-and-barbecue pre-game ritual is as important as what happens on the field. But what's seen as harmless fun in the most conservative pockets of the United States is considered so much for Ottawans to handle that Lansdowne Park's events coordinator has been quoted saying that it's "more" of a concern than the Mardi Gras stunt was.

The easy response, already offered by at least one local columnist, is that this is par for the course in "the city that fun forgot." But the truth is, it could just as easily be happening in Toronto - and probably would be, if the Argonauts had proceeded with plans to relocate to the York University campus. In the brief period in which plans for the new stadium were in development, the team's owners were already fretting over whether they would run afoul of provincial liquor laws.

This little saga, in other words, does not speak only for Ottawa's stuffiness. It's also yet another sign that Ontario has an alcohol problem.

Deep down, the province knows it drinks. It understands that its daily life wouldn't be the same if it didn't. But at some level, it's embarrassed by that. And because of its shame, it's incapable of making intelligent decisions about how best to go about its habit.

Like it or not, alcohol is central to modern social interaction. Even non-drinkers typically find themselves spending evenings in bars and clubs. But when consumption is governed by a patchwork of archaic post-prohibition regulations, those laws serve to hurt businesses, restrict personal freedoms and in some cases contradict their purpose by making us less safe.

Take the 2 a.m. "last call." True, it's later than it used to be. But it's still awfully arbitrary. What, exactly, happens at that time that should send Ontarians scurrying home? Are they incapable of making up their own minds as to how they want to plan their evenings? Why should private businesses be forced to shut down at a time when there's still peak demand for their services? And what of those employed at unusual hours - should they be forbidden from getting a drink after work?

Suggest a later closing time and organizations like Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) will be up in arms. But forcing all bars to close at 2 a.m. doesn't reduce consumption; it just encourages speed-drinking, boosting intoxication levels and then turfing armies of drunks onto the streets.

Keeping the legal drinking age at 19 is nearly as counterproductive. However the law is written, teenagers will drink; the question is whether they learn to do so responsibly, or are effectively driven underground and conditioned to treat it as a way of acting out. While going the way of some European countries and serving 14-year-olds would be a bit much, lowering the age at least to 18 is overdue.

Then there's the much-debated government stranglehold on liquor sales - an outmoded system maintained mostly because it's an enormous cash cow for the province. Understandably, a government grappling with a $5-billion deficit is loath to surrender one of its most reliable revenue sources. But if cigarettes are sold in corner stores, it's inexplicable from a policy perspective that consumers don't have the option of picking up a six-pack or a bottle of wine at their discretion.

Perhaps most symbolic of Ontario's state of denial are the arbitrarily enforced laws requiring proprietors to treat alcohol like a dirty little secret. Entire neighbourhoods would be ghost towns if the taps weren't flowing - but heaven forbid bars should advertise happy hours or other promotions, or else they might actually be seen to be (gasp!) encouraging drinking.

Governments are disinclined to tackle such issues head-on - the prospect of the powerful MADD going on the warpath is in itself enough to dissuade them - so instead they tinker with window-dressing like bring-your-own-wine policies for restaurants. Until that changes, their attitudes toward alcohol will remain so out of sync with reality that a few drinks before the game will continue to be treated as more of a taboo than bribing women to take their tops off once you're inside.